Positive Opposites: A Better Way to Respond to Tantrums and Big Emotions

If you are parenting a child with big emotions, strong reactions, or ADHD-related behaviors, you probably know exactly what you do not want to see. Tantrums when you say no. Yelling. Hitting. Power struggles that seem to repeat all day long.

It makes sense that most parenting advice focuses on stopping those behaviors. But for many families, especially those navigating ADHD and emotional regulation challenges, constantly pointing out what is going wrong can actually make things harder.

This is where the idea of positive opposites comes in.

Positive opposites are a simple but powerful way to shift how you respond to challenging behaviors so that your child learns what to do, not just what not to do. And just as importantly, they help parents stay more regulated and confident in the moment.

Why Focusing on "Misbehavior" Often Backfires

Many parents are told that children need to hear when they are doing something wrong so they can learn. You might even think, "They need to get used to this. The real world will not be so gentle."

Here is the reframe I often offer parents. Your child will hear their mistakes pointed out throughout their life. School, peers, workplaces, and authority figures will take care of that. Home does not need to be another place where their nervous system is constantly on alert.

Most unwanted behaviors are not intentional misbehavior, they are difficulty regulating emotions. They are expressions of overwhelm, frustration, disappointment, or even excitement. When we focus primarily on correcting those behaviors, we often see more escalation, not less.

Positive opposites help shift the focus from reacting to problems toward teaching skills.

What "Positive Opposites" Actually Means

Positive opposites are about clearly identifying the behavior you want to see and intentionally noticing and reinforcing it.

I usually explain this to parents in two parts.

First, you identify the behavior you want to change and break it down. If your child "throws a fit," that fit likely includes several behaviors like yelling, crying, arguing, or throwing their body.

Second, you actively look for and praise the positive (or desired) opposite of each of those behaviors. Quiet. Calm body. Using words. Accepting an answer without escalating.

You also praise the bigger, broader positive behavior when it happens. For example, when your child hears no and stays regulated, even if it is brief or imperfect.

This is a practical strategy first. Over time, it naturally creates a mindset shift where parents stop scanning for problems and start noticing progress.

A Common Example: When Your Child Melts Down After Hearing "No"

One of the most common struggles parents bring up in session with me is what happens when their child hears no.

A meltdown might include yelling, crying, arguing, or refusing to move on. The instinct is often to explain, negotiate, or point out why the reaction is not appropriate.

Using positive opposites looks different.

You actively ignore the escalation, unless safety is involved. You stay present and regulated. The moment your child lowers their voice, pauses, or takes a breath, you praise it.

You might say:

"Good job, you got quiet."

"You did a great job calming your body."

"Thank you for saying 'okay' when you heard my no."

If your child hears no and responds with "okay" or moves on without reacting, that is a huge moment to reinforce. Those are the behaviors you want to grow.

Another Example: Hitting or Being Too Rough with Others

Hitting or rough play can feel especially stressful for parents, and safety always comes first.

Positive opposites do not mean allowing unsafe behavior. You can calmly move yourself or your child away without lecturing or escalating. Then you wait.

The moment hands become gentle, the body slows down, or your child steps away, you praise that specific behavior.

For example:

"You're doing so well using your gentle hands."

"I like the way you stopped your body."

"I'm proud of you, you chose to walk away."

This teaches your child what works to get positive attention and connection.

Active Ignoring Is Not the Same as Doing Nothing

A common concern I hear is, "If I ignore this, am I letting it slide?"

Active ignoring is intentional, you are not disengaged. You are regulated, observant, and waiting for the behavior you want to reinforce.

The power comes from how you notice and praise the shift, even if it is small.

Why Positive Opposites Are Especially Helpful for Kids with ADHD

Children with ADHD often receive a disproportionate amount of negative feedback throughout the day. Their brains are highly responsive to attention, both positive and negative.

Positive opposites help by:

• Teaching clear expectations

• Reinforcing regulation instead of escalation

• Building confidence and emotional awareness

• Reducing power struggles over time

This approach aligns closely with evidence-based parenting models like Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT). If you would like to learn more about that framework, you can read more about how PCIT supports emotional regulation and connection.

How This Helps Parents Stay Regulated Too

One of the biggest benefits parents notice is that they feel calmer.

When you stop tracking everything your child is doing wrong and start looking for moments of regulation, your own nervous system settles. Parents often tell me they feel more hopeful, more confident, and less reactive.

That shift alone can change the entire tone of the home.

Getting Started Without Doing It Perfectly

You do not need to do this all day, every day.

Start with one behavior. Expect to miss moments. Progress matters more than consistency.

Positive opposites are a skill. The more you practice noticing them, the easier it becomes for both you and your child.

A Quick Positive Opposites Checklist

If you are feeling stuck in cycles of yelling, power struggles, or constant reactivity with your child, you do not have to figure it out alone. I work with parents in California who want specialized support for parenting children with ADHD, big emotions, and challenging behaviors.

Positive opposites are just one piece of effective, evidence-based parenting support. Schedule a consultation call to learn more about how Parent-Child Interaction Therapy or individual therapy can help your family.